Those of you who know me know that I have devoted the past year and a half of my life to the systematic study of Crime. The criminal underbelly of our universe is poorly documented and poorly understood, and I do not claim to be able to shed even the slightest amount of light upon this subject; indeed, to claim to be elucidating the matter at all is vain and worthless, since it is only in our non-criminal world that the phenomenon of crime is so poorly understood. Indeed, in the world of crime, the same is so well understood as to be invisible to its denizens, as water is to fish. A criminal, then, while entirely knowledgeable about crime, cannot contribute any meaningful information or understanding to the study thereof. Yet for those of us law-abiding Americans outside the pernicious world of moral degeneracy and organized law-breaking, an understanding of crime is impossible, since it is entirely antithetical to us. Indeed, crime is precisely the exact opposite of us. As such, there are three ways possible for us to understand Crime: (1) to engage in abstract theoretical consideration, (2) to enlist the help of those who traffic between the worlds of law-abiding citizens and criminals, those who are, in effect, partially criminal and partially law-abiding; and (3) to seek to understand ourselves, and to precisely negate this, since Crime consists in the exact opposite of ourselves. All this consideration will lead us to a shocking, yet somehow unsurprising conclusion.
The first option is, I must confess, the one that has most occupied my time for the period in which I have carried out this study, since abstract consideration is the area in which I personally excel insofar as I excel in any skill. The first theoretical way to understand crime has come through study of the most superficial aspect of crime, its name. The word "crime" stems from the Greek word "krima," which means "shame." This points to an essential aspect of crime: it involves shame, an internal feeling, as opposed to, say, dishonor, an external condition. Crime is thus tied to our current culture of shame, and of the importance of internal feeling in general, as opposed to outside societal influences. In such a world, shame is inevitable; thus, crime is an inevitable part of the fabric of our society. Since society and its paradigms form our perception of the universe, and since, if Berkeley's arguments are to be accepted, our perception constitutes reality along with our will (esse est percipi)--then we come to the inescapable conclusion that crime is a part of the very fabric of the universe itself. Since we have come to this conclusion by reaching into the etymological roots of the word "crime," it follows that our discovery must similarly reach into the roots of the universe -- not only is crime a part of the universe, then, it is a core part, present in the singularity from which the Universe sprang. A full account of cosmology and ontology must therefore take crime into account in its analysis of reality.
Yet our modern word is "crime," not "krima" -- this primordial krima must be separated from our modern "crime," though it is a form of the same phenomenon. Thus we may consider two forms, two different manifestations of crime: krima and our modern word "crime," which concept I will refer to, for convience, as CRIME. Let us take the word CRIME: several meanings can be attributed to it. It is productive to analyze it as an acronym: CRIME Rightly Irrigates Moist Earth. Thus, CRIME is a nurturer, a force responsible for the growth of life. CRIME Really Is Most Excellent. This statement reveals an essential aspect of CRIME: that it is most excellent. Indeed, CRIME is most superb and admirable -- for criminals. For law-abiding citizens, CRIME is reprehensible. This reveals an essential dualism inherent in the concept of CRIME: it divides the world into Criminals and Law-Abiding Citizens (henceforth LACs, pronounced "lacks"). In this respect, CRIME differs from krima, which is an essential part of all reality. Yet the two concepts cannot exist independently of one another. With their common ground removed, CRIME and krima are reduced to CE and ka, pronounced "see" and "ka", together "seeka" or "seeker": i.e., seeking truth, since truth is absent. Thus to remove the common ground of CRIME and krima is to remove truth; we must conclude, therefore, that truth consists in the common ground of CRIME and krima, which may properly considered "crime" in the lower-case.
We know from the many schools of Western philosophy that the truth may be sought in two ways: a priori and a posteriori. A posteriori understanding of crime can only come from study of it. But crime cannot be seen, or touched, or smelt. Only its by-products may be apprehended this way: the smoke of a gun used to assassinate a duck, the smell of the money used in illicit transactions. The basic unit of Crime is the single criminal act, but this act is only an epiphenomenon originating in the criminal who commits it. Therefore, an a posteriori understanding of crime can only come by the study of its nature in one who has commited a crime, i.e. through an interview with such a person. But for the reasons cited in the first paragraph, a criminal can offer no insight into crime: such an insight must come from one who is both criminal and LAC. Such people do exist, in the twilight zone between the World of Crime and the World of Law-Abiding Citizens, and I have completed an extensive study of them, consisting of interviews and psychological tests. These half-criminals claim to take pleasure in committing actions beyond the realm of the law-abiding man. It is this experience of a different universe that these people find attractive: the tax-evader or child-molestor experiences an entirely different universe than the law-abiding circus ringleader or dentist. The condition of being caught is also commonly cited as pleasurable, because it excites jealousy among the officers of the law. This interpretation may seem to be unique to those who travel both in the World of Law and the World of Crime: for crime for a criminal is not anything new, just as obeying the law is nothing new for a LAC. Yet it offers us an insight into Crime nevertheless. That it gives pleasure for half-criminals to travel between two entirely different universes reveals exactly that the Criminal and the LAC live in entirely different and incompatible realms. The criminal commits crime just as naturally as the LAC learns mathematics. The apparent co-existence of two entirely different universes in what we often perceive as a unified whole is disturbing at best and mind-shattering at worst. When asked to describe the World of Law as opposed to the World of Crime, nearly all subjects responded, "The World of Law is temporal." Indeed, the World of Law is regulated by finite time, clocks and numbered law-codes, which we all must follow lest we become criminals ourselves. It is difficult for us LACs to imagine a world that is anything but "temporal" and codified, yet it is exactly in such a world, co-existing with ours, that criminals live. Indeed, It Is Impossible for a LAC to imagine anything but a temporal world; as such, it seems to be impossible for us to understand crime at all.
One asks: how can we seek to understand crime when we have established that crime is utterly incomprehensible to a law-abiding citizen? The answer lies precisely in that incomprehensibility. Crime is utterly distinct and opposite from the law-abiding nature. Thus, what law-abiding nature is, crime is not. Thus analysis of a LAC reveals precisely the opposite of analysis of a criminal. Therefore, to obtain understanding of the criminal, the LAC must be analyzed, and the conclusions from this inquiry must be negated. Now the best information about crime would be obtained by analysis of the most prototypical LAC, of one must opposed to crime and the criminal underworld. For this purpose I will psychoanalyze the man who has most strongly fought against crime in our generation, Sheriff John Bunnell. Let us take an archetypical statement from Sheriff Bunnell: "Jack may be nimble. Jack maybe quick. But when Jack takes on the Cleveland County PD, he's going to GET BURNED!" Sheriff Bunnell is clearly harking back to childhood nursury rhymes, indicating a full childhood and strong Family Values. Thus, we may conclude that the criminal lacks a full childhood and Family Values. Indeed, it is this lack of Family Values that makes a criminal most stand out in LAC society, and which makes us able to recognize a criminal from a distance of up to 6o meters. Yet this remaking of the famous nursery rhyme differs from the original in one crucial aspect: it does not rhyme. This is in direct opposition to the criminal and to crime itself -- the ultimate crime being, as is commonly known, the so-called Crime Sublime. According to criminal folklore (according the half-criminals I have interviewed), the Crime Sublime is unattainable and unknowable, and those who commit it become as God. Since what is unknowable to a criminal must be supremely knowable to a LAC, it seems logical to conclude that this Crime Sublime is nothing less than to live a totally morally upstanding life. Our utmust possible achievement, our equivalent of the Crime Sublime, must be, then, to live a life of entire depravity and criminality. That the zenith of achievement for the World of Law is Crime, and that the paramount achivement possible in the World of Crime is to obey the Law, reveals perhaps the most important aspect of the interplay of the opposite worlds of law and criminality. Though they are indeed opposite, they are dependent on one another and indeed derive meaning and values from one another.
That the life of crime and the normal life are dependent on one another for their structure and existence reveals an important fact about the nature of Crime and the nature of the very universe. The Crime Sublime and its law-abiding equivalent exist wholly in the others; this implies a union of the two worlds. Indeed, this is how we may perceive the universe as a unified whole, and not consisting of a world of Crime and an entirely separate world of Law; this is why we do not detect the force of "krima" at the very center of our existence in opposition to the other forces at that location. The two worlds are united in a mystic union, and it is only through this union that they acquire any meaning or existence. This observation leads to a conclusion that is simultaneously terrifying and irrefutable: without crime, the universe would not exist.
The first option is, I must confess, the one that has most occupied my time for the period in which I have carried out this study, since abstract consideration is the area in which I personally excel insofar as I excel in any skill. The first theoretical way to understand crime has come through study of the most superficial aspect of crime, its name. The word "crime" stems from the Greek word "krima," which means "shame." This points to an essential aspect of crime: it involves shame, an internal feeling, as opposed to, say, dishonor, an external condition. Crime is thus tied to our current culture of shame, and of the importance of internal feeling in general, as opposed to outside societal influences. In such a world, shame is inevitable; thus, crime is an inevitable part of the fabric of our society. Since society and its paradigms form our perception of the universe, and since, if Berkeley's arguments are to be accepted, our perception constitutes reality along with our will (esse est percipi)--then we come to the inescapable conclusion that crime is a part of the very fabric of the universe itself. Since we have come to this conclusion by reaching into the etymological roots of the word "crime," it follows that our discovery must similarly reach into the roots of the universe -- not only is crime a part of the universe, then, it is a core part, present in the singularity from which the Universe sprang. A full account of cosmology and ontology must therefore take crime into account in its analysis of reality.
Yet our modern word is "crime," not "krima" -- this primordial krima must be separated from our modern "crime," though it is a form of the same phenomenon. Thus we may consider two forms, two different manifestations of crime: krima and our modern word "crime," which concept I will refer to, for convience, as CRIME. Let us take the word CRIME: several meanings can be attributed to it. It is productive to analyze it as an acronym: CRIME Rightly Irrigates Moist Earth. Thus, CRIME is a nurturer, a force responsible for the growth of life. CRIME Really Is Most Excellent. This statement reveals an essential aspect of CRIME: that it is most excellent. Indeed, CRIME is most superb and admirable -- for criminals. For law-abiding citizens, CRIME is reprehensible. This reveals an essential dualism inherent in the concept of CRIME: it divides the world into Criminals and Law-Abiding Citizens (henceforth LACs, pronounced "lacks"). In this respect, CRIME differs from krima, which is an essential part of all reality. Yet the two concepts cannot exist independently of one another. With their common ground removed, CRIME and krima are reduced to CE and ka, pronounced "see" and "ka", together "seeka" or "seeker": i.e., seeking truth, since truth is absent. Thus to remove the common ground of CRIME and krima is to remove truth; we must conclude, therefore, that truth consists in the common ground of CRIME and krima, which may properly considered "crime" in the lower-case.
We know from the many schools of Western philosophy that the truth may be sought in two ways: a priori and a posteriori. A posteriori understanding of crime can only come from study of it. But crime cannot be seen, or touched, or smelt. Only its by-products may be apprehended this way: the smoke of a gun used to assassinate a duck, the smell of the money used in illicit transactions. The basic unit of Crime is the single criminal act, but this act is only an epiphenomenon originating in the criminal who commits it. Therefore, an a posteriori understanding of crime can only come by the study of its nature in one who has commited a crime, i.e. through an interview with such a person. But for the reasons cited in the first paragraph, a criminal can offer no insight into crime: such an insight must come from one who is both criminal and LAC. Such people do exist, in the twilight zone between the World of Crime and the World of Law-Abiding Citizens, and I have completed an extensive study of them, consisting of interviews and psychological tests. These half-criminals claim to take pleasure in committing actions beyond the realm of the law-abiding man. It is this experience of a different universe that these people find attractive: the tax-evader or child-molestor experiences an entirely different universe than the law-abiding circus ringleader or dentist. The condition of being caught is also commonly cited as pleasurable, because it excites jealousy among the officers of the law. This interpretation may seem to be unique to those who travel both in the World of Law and the World of Crime: for crime for a criminal is not anything new, just as obeying the law is nothing new for a LAC. Yet it offers us an insight into Crime nevertheless. That it gives pleasure for half-criminals to travel between two entirely different universes reveals exactly that the Criminal and the LAC live in entirely different and incompatible realms. The criminal commits crime just as naturally as the LAC learns mathematics. The apparent co-existence of two entirely different universes in what we often perceive as a unified whole is disturbing at best and mind-shattering at worst. When asked to describe the World of Law as opposed to the World of Crime, nearly all subjects responded, "The World of Law is temporal." Indeed, the World of Law is regulated by finite time, clocks and numbered law-codes, which we all must follow lest we become criminals ourselves. It is difficult for us LACs to imagine a world that is anything but "temporal" and codified, yet it is exactly in such a world, co-existing with ours, that criminals live. Indeed, It Is Impossible for a LAC to imagine anything but a temporal world; as such, it seems to be impossible for us to understand crime at all.
One asks: how can we seek to understand crime when we have established that crime is utterly incomprehensible to a law-abiding citizen? The answer lies precisely in that incomprehensibility. Crime is utterly distinct and opposite from the law-abiding nature. Thus, what law-abiding nature is, crime is not. Thus analysis of a LAC reveals precisely the opposite of analysis of a criminal. Therefore, to obtain understanding of the criminal, the LAC must be analyzed, and the conclusions from this inquiry must be negated. Now the best information about crime would be obtained by analysis of the most prototypical LAC, of one must opposed to crime and the criminal underworld. For this purpose I will psychoanalyze the man who has most strongly fought against crime in our generation, Sheriff John Bunnell. Let us take an archetypical statement from Sheriff Bunnell: "Jack may be nimble. Jack maybe quick. But when Jack takes on the Cleveland County PD, he's going to GET BURNED!" Sheriff Bunnell is clearly harking back to childhood nursury rhymes, indicating a full childhood and strong Family Values. Thus, we may conclude that the criminal lacks a full childhood and Family Values. Indeed, it is this lack of Family Values that makes a criminal most stand out in LAC society, and which makes us able to recognize a criminal from a distance of up to 6o meters. Yet this remaking of the famous nursery rhyme differs from the original in one crucial aspect: it does not rhyme. This is in direct opposition to the criminal and to crime itself -- the ultimate crime being, as is commonly known, the so-called Crime Sublime. According to criminal folklore (according the half-criminals I have interviewed), the Crime Sublime is unattainable and unknowable, and those who commit it become as God. Since what is unknowable to a criminal must be supremely knowable to a LAC, it seems logical to conclude that this Crime Sublime is nothing less than to live a totally morally upstanding life. Our utmust possible achievement, our equivalent of the Crime Sublime, must be, then, to live a life of entire depravity and criminality. That the zenith of achievement for the World of Law is Crime, and that the paramount achivement possible in the World of Crime is to obey the Law, reveals perhaps the most important aspect of the interplay of the opposite worlds of law and criminality. Though they are indeed opposite, they are dependent on one another and indeed derive meaning and values from one another.
That the life of crime and the normal life are dependent on one another for their structure and existence reveals an important fact about the nature of Crime and the nature of the very universe. The Crime Sublime and its law-abiding equivalent exist wholly in the others; this implies a union of the two worlds. Indeed, this is how we may perceive the universe as a unified whole, and not consisting of a world of Crime and an entirely separate world of Law; this is why we do not detect the force of "krima" at the very center of our existence in opposition to the other forces at that location. The two worlds are united in a mystic union, and it is only through this union that they acquire any meaning or existence. This observation leads to a conclusion that is simultaneously terrifying and irrefutable: without crime, the universe would not exist.
I lol'd. First when I read the first paragraph, then when I saw it was by Richard, then when I read the last 2 paragraphs, which were hilarious. I'll probably even read the rest of it.
ReplyDeleteRichard, you are amazing.
ReplyDelete